Elias got sick last night. I hardly slept. Was running on fumes most the day due to lack of naps. Then just as I was crawling into bed got the dreaded phone call "ummm 3rd shifter hasn't shown up and isn't answering the phone." So here I am at work. Dead tired. Busy work is complete and I still have like 2 hours to go. So although I'm probably writing this sooner than ready, I need to do something productive. 

This post has been weighing on my heart lately. I needed time to process it. I truthfully need MORE time but since I have nothing but time, I might as well a start now. 

Earlier this spring, church did a series called a Hole In the Gospel based off the book. We were given a calendar which focused on different areas each week; they had calls of action, statics. I remember looking the calendar over and one date really hit me. Ok, it more than hit me. It literally rocked me to my core. 

Those numbers are so staggering to me. 6000 children die.A.DAY because they don't have access to something as basic as clean water. The static bothered me. It made me uncomfortable. But to be completely honest here, not uncomfortable enough to do much more than post it on facebook (where I don't think one person even commented on it. Oddly though, if even ONE jumbo jet crashed, I'm sure it would be the most popular commonly posted topic that day). I wish I could say that I did something dramatic once I heard this news but short of turning off my faucet more often, I didn't do too much. 

Fast Forward to the end of summer. One of the blogs I read mentioned the new book for their book club. I was in need of a new book, so I thought if the library had it available for my kindle, I'd join in. Believe it or not, for once, they did. I quickly put a hold on it and waited my turn. 

Enter 7. Officially known as 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. A mouthful, isn't it? Let me tell you though ... it was as good as the title is long. Good enough that I've now read it twice. A quick run down of the book can be found by clicking on the link above. But let me say this book hit me about as hard as hearing 6000 children die a day from lack of water.

"How can I be socially responsible if unaware that I reside in the top percent of the wealth in the world? (You probably do too: Make $35000 a year? Top 4 percent. $50000? Top 1 percent.) 

Excess has impaired perspective in America; we are the richest people on earth; praying to get richer. We are tangled in unmanageable debt while feeding the machine, because we feel entitled to more. What does it communicate when half the global population lives on less than $2 a day, and we can't manage a fulfilling life on twenty-five thousand times that amount. Fifty thousand times that amount. 

It says we have too much, and it's ruining us."

I'm wrestling with what exactly it means for me and my house and my family. I know a change needs to happen. I know a change IS happening. I'm trying to decide how to make it happen. Expect more as I process this ... and I have a fixed computer that allows me to use the keyboard :)

I need this reminder today...

It's about 2 1/2 hours past the time I wanted to go to bed. It's been a long day and an even longer night but finally both kids are quiet in their beds. As I finally lie my head down on what feels like the softest bed and comfiest pillow only to hear a little squawk.

"you've gotta be kidding"

Mike, half sleeping already, mumbles that maybe he won't start crying and to just give it some time. Knowing he is wrong, I give into his words anyway. I lay my head back down giving in to the sleepiness. And he starts crying just as I knew he would.

I roll out of bed and walk to his crib, gently scooping him up in my arms. I pray a little bottom patting and bouncing will soothe him back to sleep so I can quickly crawl back into bed. Sensing it not working and fearing I'll wake the other boys, Elias and I move to the chair.

And that is when it happens.

I notice the moonlight shining across his chubby cheeks through the cracks in the blinds. I smell his milk breath through his quieting cries. And as he cuddles tighter into the crook of my arm, I realize there is no other place I rather be than right here.

Have you had that baby yet?

Click on the question for an answer.

I've been a mixed bag of emotions lately. Feelings from hurt and jealousy to anger and worse. I'm trying blame some of it on pregnancy hormones or at the very least how intense the emotions are even when I know some of that isn't true.

What's pretty cool (cuz the feelings certainly aren't!) is I keep stumbling onto things that directly speak to me about my emotions. Total God speaking moments.

Few examples: Although Mike and I are very happy with the fact that we didn't find out the sex of the baby, there are times {which have been occurring often it seems} I really wish I would have gone the easy route and just found out. So today in the mist of my jealousy of not knowing and of wondering if people would care more about the baby if they associated it to a gender, I clicked on an app I have on facebook. I haven't checked it in months. What did it say? "On this day of your life, Kristi, we believe God wants you to know ... that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be." God speaking - through social media no less.

I think most people who live here get a big case of Spring Fever around this time. I've been feeling it immensely. I want to see the grass and feel the sunshine. I want to be able to play outside with Colin. However, it's become so bad that I have honestly seriously looked at houses in a different state the other day. A state where it's not so wintery for so long. And the reality is nothing will amount from anything but it still struck me how unhappy I am about the weather. You can imagine how I felt when I heard about the upcoming storm we were going to have on Sunday. As I was going to head outside to work Sunday morning knowing it was the last time I was going to see the grass for quite some time, I grew more frustrated. And then as I walked outside, God spoke in the calmness of the morning. Instead of being frustrated, I was struck by how peaceful it was - no wind, no noise, just the stillness and beauty of the morning.

Today as I was walking the floors, "Choose Joy" popped into my head. I figured it was a lyric to a song I heard before coming into work and that I really should make that my motto today; don't allow the negative emotions to consume me. I came back and did a quick Google search. Instead of finding the lyric, I saw a quote from a blog I used to read back when we had our laptop. I haven't read his blog since November. He wrote:

"Choose joy today.

Not because it’s going to be a perfect day because it certainly isn’t.
Not because everything is going to go your way because it won’t.

Choose joy today because today is all you’ve got.

Choose joy today because there’s a watching world that will be drawn to our Creator when you do."

God speaking through a Google search.

I'm struck over the past few days that God is really trying to say something to me. He's bigger than all my hurt, all my anger, all my jealousy, all of my insecurites. And not only is he bigger than my emotions, he cares enough to show up in every day life when I most need it. He cares enough to remind me of the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of life not going your way, the beauty of joy. He cares enough to simply remind me that someone cares.

I haven't forgot about you old friend, just life has been busy. I got phase 1 of my root canal done on Wednesday and I haven't been the same since. I've been in an immense amount of pain and consequently haven't been sleeping well which is leaving me tired and just with an overall feeling of "blah." Mix in a couple past few days filled with days at work (when was my last day off?!?!) and evenings filled with plans. We leave for California tomorrow and despite all my good intentions, I have a kabillion things to do before we go. I had phase 2 of my root canal (implanting the post with temporary seal) done today and I'm sitting here at work holding my jaw wishing I should start taking the Vicodin now but holding off knowing I need to go on sales calls shortly.

Mike keeps reminding me that everything will be better Thursday morning when we are in warm sunny California and while I know that to be somewhat true, I have ALOT to do before then.

So sorry to those who keep asking for Colin's Halloween pictures or some un-responded emails. I will get to you eventually. Maybe I'll have time when things "get better" on Thursday when I'm hopped up on Vicodin and the Zpack :)

This blog started as a place to for me to write, speak my mind. Over time it's become less about me and my life and more about our family - mainly Colin. There's nothing wrong with that and truthfully Colin is my world. My life revolves around him, his happiness, my role as his mother. But today I write about me. My feelings. It won't be structured or grammatically correct and truthfully it may be all over the place but it's my thoughts and feelings. It'll hopefully be a clearing of the mind, putting some fears to rest, and finding a little peace. It's about me today.

If you are a follower to my Project 365 blog and have read it in the past few weeks then you will already know this. If you don't follow (why don't you?) then this will be new to you.

We are changing daycares for Colin.

And because I've heard it several times already - no it isn't cheaper. No it isn't closer. No we weren't upset at our current daycare. Truthfully, it's more expensive, more out of Mike's way, and we love our current daycare.

A certain daycare had been tugging on our hearts for a little while now. Every so often we'd hear someone rave about said daycare or it would show up on sidebars on websites. Gentle nudges. Frequent gentle nudges.

About a month ago, we went on a tour of new daycare. We instantly loved it. It was hard not to. Everything about it felt right; the curriculum, surroundings, teachers, programs. We wanted to make sure we weren't making a hasty decision so we sat on it. Prayed about it. Talked about it. Made lots of lists (ok that was mostly me :))Prayed a little more. Every time we came back to the same conclusion. New daycare. The pros definitely outweighed the cons.

A few weeks ago, I submitted our initial registration and deposit and walked out with a thick enrollment packet and a smile. I left excited that my son was going to be able to attend there.

Last week with a very heavy heart, I wrote out our two week notice for current daycare. I hand wrote one draft and it said everything that I felt needed to be said. Gratitude, end date, well wishes. Mike delivered it Wednesday to the director. She was disappointed in our decision but not because it is a space to fill but because Colin matters to her - to several there. She said Colin will always have an place there. Those words mean the world to me.

Last night, I laid in bed and cried. For the first time, I questioned our decision. Are we making the right decision for Colin? How is he going to handle not seeing his friends? I know he will make new friends but he's been friends with some of these kids for more than half of his short little life. Current daycare has been a wonderful loving place for our family for over a year and half. It's hard to think I only will walk in there a handful more times. It's hard to think they won't continue to see Colin grow up. They've known him since before he could walk. All of the teachers in the center know Colin by name. They know his personality, his fears, his quirks. He is going into a center where no one knows him. Will he be as equally loved? I feel he will but I don't know. Leaving the wonderfully familiar for the unfamiliar. It's the whole fear of the unknown.

And there's no turning back now. In a few short weeks, Colin will be walking into the unknown; leaving a place of security and friendship behind. In the days to follow, I'm sure there will be some fear, anxiety, and tears (on more than just one person's part) but I just have to continue reminding myself that he's going to a place we truly feel he belongs. A place where he will make new friends, receive fabulous care, and learn things he wasn't learning at his current daycare. I'm sure it's the right decision, it just doesn't make it any easier.

Goodbyes are never easy.

I have intentionally taken a step away from this blog and facebook for reasons I am not going to address {especially around Christmas time}.

Semi-unrelated: I am not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Truthfully, I am ready for everything to be done and over with. Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with the ones you love and reflecting on the real meaning of Christmas. This year it's been about presents, shopping, being stressed, and other negative emotions. It's been far from joyful, meaningful or feelings of love (ok so maybe it's semi-related). So as Christmas is rapidly approaching, I felt someone may need to hear this as much as I say it "out loud". My hope is that I can live this out and that my bah-humbug feelings subside.

Jesus isn’t bound by a string of lights or a date on the calendar. I’m going to make a deal with myself this year and try to remember the truth about Christmas and all it stands for instead of letting the blues get the best of me.

After all, it was the beginning of a story that has been unfolding for over 2000 years and I want to savor my part in it.

This Christmas, I want to encourage you to spend time with the One who loved you enough to choose a manger and a crown of thorns. And when the lights on the tree are unwound and the stockings have been emptied, don’t forget the reason for it all.

Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year.

Love,

Debbie Downer

I've been having a terrible horrible downright emotionally draining shitty week. Mike is out with Brandon, Colin is sleeping, so I'm having a drink and about to pop in a movie.

Instead of spending more time worrying, crying, praying, and stressing out about things, I thought I'd take a second to mention a few things that make me smile; a few things that I'm thankful for.

• How Colin covers his mouth with his chubby baby hand when he coughs or says "thank you welcome" after pretty much everything. I adore his already forming manners. I am so in love with that little boy.
• For a friend who has been praying for me because she knows how difficult this week has been. Her friendship means more than she ever knows.
• A husband who knew how terrible of a day I was having and came home with pizza so I wouldn't have to think about making dinner
• A {too} compassionate Christian owner who sat and listened to me for over an hour the other day and even teared up when I said I had spent my day off worrying about a situation. An owner who gave me a good Christian gut check. An owner who cares more about people than earning a buck.
• The weather has been wonderful lately. If I could bottle it up, I would.

So while my week has stunk a big fat one, I still have alot to be happy about.

Poor C isn't feeling well and hasn't felt well since Sunday night :( Thankfully Mike and I have been on vacation this week, so we've been able to take care of the poor little guy. He is getting his last 3 (!!!) eye teeth all at once. We've had fevers, lots of crying, small meals, less patience for things, and what feels like bucketfuls of Tylenol. If he isn't feeling a little more like normal Colin by Friday, we are going to take him into the Dr just to be sure it isn't something more than teething. While it is far from our dream vacation, we are thankful we've been home to take care of our little guy and even more thankful we didn't decide to drive down south for our anniversary vacation.

Mike had to go out of town this week to a lovely small town by the Iowa border. He left this morning and comes home sometime late Friday. To say we are less than thrilled is a gross understatement. There have been alot of tears shed, offers of help given, and text messages sent. The truth is we are spoiled. People do this everyday. People raise children and work full-time. People are separated from their spouses. We just aren't one of those people. So while I can't do anything to bring us closer together, I can atleast take pictures. Here was our short night together babe. We miss you and can't wait until you get home. We are counting down the minutes.

Take One (I asked say hi to Daddy and he was looking around b/c he didn't see you)

Take Two - Colin asking if we have to do this again

Giving Monkey our nightly hugs

Heading upstairs to get ready for bed

"What?!?! You gave them to me?"

Trying to put his socks back on

Bedtime bottle

... ear infection.

Colin was playing with his left ear the other day. Mike thought it was because he has a fascination lately with putting his fingers in open body parts (belly buttons, nostrils, etc). I took him to the Dr today just to be safe since he woke up crying twice yesterday and that is so atypical of Colin. The Dr confirmed what I suspected - an ear infection. Poor lil guy. Here's the amoxicillin working quickly.

Sidenote: fully dressed with his sneaks on, he weighed 27 lbs!!!

It was bound to happen. Truthfully, I'm surprised it hadn't happened up until now. Last night, Mike and I were awoken around midnight to Colin crying; it wasn't his normal cry. Being drained and feeling sick and incredibly comfortable, I suggested to Mike that wait a second to see if he cries a second time. He did. Mike offered to check on him since I had to get up at 6am for work. Hearing him continuing to cry, I feel around for my glasses. Before I can even walk into his bedroom, Mike is calling for me. I immediately knew something was wrong.

Mike brushing past me into the bathroom and before I can even register seeing them, the smell hits me. The smell of vomit. Colin is covered in it; his jammies, his face, running out of his nose, matted in his hair. Mike is holding a towel trying to catch it. I notice his shirt is covered and stained. After getting Colin 'under control', I walked into his bedroom to scope out the scene. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. His entire bed was covered in vomit and unchewed grape pieces.

Fast-forward past numerous book readings, two more sets of jammies, two (or was it 3?) loads of laundry to a very tired Mommy and Daddy. We are sitting in the living room on a blanket which has vomit on one corner. It has to be after 3am and we've been vomit-free for atleast 30 minutes. Our goal is the-1-hour-free point but we are running low on energy which somehow Colin has a lot of. In a desperate attempt to keep him on the blanket, we popped in a Little Einstein's video and he was captivated. He is bouncing between mine and Mike's lap cuddling in a way every parent desires from an active squirmy almost 1 year old. I'm sitting there fighting to stay awake, trying to block out the smells, pushing back the thoughts of how sleep deprived I had already felt before tonight's whooping 2 hours of sleep, and it hits me. It hit me like a ton of bricks. This is what parenthood is all about and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

One year ago at this time, I was still pregnant. I still didn't know if Colin was Colin or Lily. I had no clue what this little boy would do to my life. I never in a million years would have thought that while a sweet faced boy with tears pouring down his face was throwing up and he turned to face me seeking comfort, that I gladly would have let him throw up all over me just to make him feel the slightest bit better. Last night as I laid in bed for all 1.5 hours of sleep, I laid there like the first night we brought him home. Was he breathing? What if he choked on his vomit? Should I sleep on the floor in his room? My mind wandered as I thought about how much he has changed over the year ... and so have I.

You know when you are having one of those days ... well I'm having one of those weeks (yes plural ... weeks). It seems Mike and I have had one thing after another lately and it's just becoming overwhelming at times. I'm sitting here at work feeling just very BLAH. There is no other word to describe it. Just BLAH. So in an effort to rid myself of the BLAHs, I'm going to think of things I'm excited about:

• Going to Orlando next month. I'm excited to go on vacation as it feels like forever since we went on a real vacation. I'm excited (and nervous and quite frankly a little stressed already) for Colin to fly for the first time. I'm excited to not work for an entire week (!!!) I'm excited to escape winter and go somewhere warm. I'm excited about eating myself some Firehouse Subs. I'm excited to take Colin to Disney.
• About seeing Angela next month. Yes that goes hand in hand with the above item but its worth mentioning separately because I'm that excited. This is the longest her and I have gone without seeing each other and I miss her desperately. I'm excited to hopefully meet "The Boy" and more excited for her to meet "My Boy." Corny but I totally just teared up thinking about that.
• Going to Tampa next month. I love Tampa. I don't know what it is about that city but I love it. I'm excited to see Nathan and Erika and have them meet Colin as well. I'm excited about taking Colin to Clearwater. I picture Colin walking barefoot in the sand as he holds me and Mike's hand. I know exactly how to get to a Firehouse Sub although we haven't been to Tampa since May 2007. We will eat there although it's nowhere near where we need to be. We will pass Legends Field on the way, which will start a talk on baseball and our wish for springtime.
• Christmas! I'm excited for Colin's first Christmas. I'm excited to start our own family traditions. I can't wait to see Colin open his presents to see the look on his face as he tears the paper and plays with his new stuff. I'm excited to spend time with family and friends. I'm loving the Christmas music, decorations and smells. I can't wait to do more Christmas baking and be able to get more into the Christmas Spirit.
• Colin's Birthday! Truthfully this one is a little bittersweet. The thought that my baby is going to be 1 is shocking and a little sad. I am excited though. I'm excited to plan his party. I'm exited for family and friends to all come together for his party. I'm thrilled and grateful that Mark and Missy are able to come to Michigan for it. I love how much they love him and are willing and able to fly in for it. I can't wait for them to spend time with him again.

I should probably get back to doing some actual work now. Buh bye BLAHS.

I wrote a blog posting very different from the usual postings but I am afraid to post it. It is something that has been on my mind for months now but I've always been too chickenshit to actually type it out. You would never guess by my lack of comments but I have quite a few followers on this blog and I'm not sure if the world wants to hear what is going on in my head and my heart. Truthfully, I don't want to hear what is going on in my head. Most people don't need to know these thoughts, feelings, frustrations, hurts but it's my damn blog. I can write whatever I want to write, right? I shouldn't give a shit what people think of me but you should know me better than that. I do care and that in there lies part of my problem. I care too much about what others think of me.

So while I spent almost 2 hours crying while typing out a long-ish blog all in vagueness and a very detailed email to my bestie, I'm still not any closer to knowing whether or not I should post the entry.

I've fought writing this numerous times. I can't count how many times I can remember standing in the shower feeling the burning hot water pour down my skin while the words just surge through my mind. Everything comes out exactly how I want - rather how I need to say them. As I step out into the cold air, I come to my senses knowing that the words won't help and will probably only cause problems, drama, and unwanted conversations. People who know me well know I'm a people pleaser and totally non-confrontational. I don't have the guts to confront people, I don't have the courage to tell people how left out I feel, but mostly I don't have the strength to tell people how hurt I am. Instead of saying things that really need to be said or issues that need to be addressed, I keep everything bottled up.

Something has been off lately with me. Blame it on lack of sleep. Blame it on work really (!!) stressing me out. Blame it on a lot of things lately. All I know is I feel like I'm totally spinning my wheels; just going through the motions trying to make it to the next day, next week, next month. My dearest friend said it best a couple months ago on her blog: "Recently, I have been struggling with staying afloat mentally and emotionally. I hate to use a cliche, but my life over the past few weeks has felt very "sink or swim". I'm paddling as hard as I can to keep my head above water, but there's something that won't let me tread easily. I can't quite put my finger on it, but its there."

And I can't help but wonder if I didn't spend so much time trying to be perfect, the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect everything, that maybe I wouldn't feel so drained. That maybe if I could let go of feeling like I need to be perfect, accepted, liked, or even cared about, that I would probably be a much happier person. The problem is I have NO clue how to do that. I do care what others think. I do want to feel included even in the small things. I do want you to care about, inquire, and talk to me, my husband, and especially my child as we are just as important as other people. I do want people to realize that I can only do so much. I can only handle so much at one time and I'm pretty much exceeding that limit especially at work. I want to stop caring that I feel you don't give two shits about my life. I want to be able to just let go of hurt feelings, lack of phone calls, messed up priorities, and unsettled grudges.

I wish I didn't feel the need to write this. I wish I felt better after typing this like I had hoped. Moreso, I wish I didn't NEED to have to write this.

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