Heavy Heart

This blog started as a place to for me to write, speak my mind. Over time it's become less about me and my life and more about our family - mainly Colin. There's nothing wrong with that and truthfully Colin is my world. My life revolves around him, his happiness, my role as his mother. But today I write about me. My feelings. It won't be structured or grammatically correct and truthfully it may be all over the place but it's my thoughts and feelings. It'll hopefully be a clearing of the mind, putting some fears to rest, and finding a little peace. It's about me today.

If you are a follower to my Project 365 blog and have read it in the past few weeks then you will already know this. If you don't follow (why don't you?) then this will be new to you.

We are changing daycares for Colin.

And because I've heard it several times already - no it isn't cheaper. No it isn't closer. No we weren't upset at our current daycare. Truthfully, it's more expensive, more out of Mike's way, and we love our current daycare.

A certain daycare had been tugging on our hearts for a little while now. Every so often we'd hear someone rave about said daycare or it would show up on sidebars on websites. Gentle nudges. Frequent gentle nudges.

About a month ago, we went on a tour of new daycare. We instantly loved it. It was hard not to. Everything about it felt right; the curriculum, surroundings, teachers, programs. We wanted to make sure we weren't making a hasty decision so we sat on it. Prayed about it. Talked about it. Made lots of lists (ok that was mostly me :))Prayed a little more. Every time we came back to the same conclusion. New daycare. The pros definitely outweighed the cons.

A few weeks ago, I submitted our initial registration and deposit and walked out with a thick enrollment packet and a smile. I left excited that my son was going to be able to attend there.

Last week with a very heavy heart, I wrote out our two week notice for current daycare. I hand wrote one draft and it said everything that I felt needed to be said. Gratitude, end date, well wishes. Mike delivered it Wednesday to the director. She was disappointed in our decision but not because it is a space to fill but because Colin matters to her - to several there. She said Colin will always have an place there. Those words mean the world to me.

Last night, I laid in bed and cried. For the first time, I questioned our decision. Are we making the right decision for Colin? How is he going to handle not seeing his friends? I know he will make new friends but he's been friends with some of these kids for more than half of his short little life. Current daycare has been a wonderful loving place for our family for over a year and half. It's hard to think I only will walk in there a handful more times. It's hard to think they won't continue to see Colin grow up. They've known him since before he could walk. All of the teachers in the center know Colin by name. They know his personality, his fears, his quirks. He is going into a center where no one knows him. Will he be as equally loved? I feel he will but I don't know. Leaving the wonderfully familiar for the unfamiliar. It's the whole fear of the unknown.

And there's no turning back now. In a few short weeks, Colin will be walking into the unknown; leaving a place of security and friendship behind. In the days to follow, I'm sure there will be some fear, anxiety, and tears (on more than just one person's part) but I just have to continue reminding myself that he's going to a place we truly feel he belongs. A place where he will make new friends, receive fabulous care, and learn things he wasn't learning at his current daycare. I'm sure it's the right decision, it just doesn't make it any easier.

Goodbyes are never easy.