Dear Colin,

Today you are officially two months old. 60 days. Do you realize how old that is? You've changed a lot in the past month. Heck, dad and I have changed a lot in the past month. Life changes when you have a baby. (That, by the way, is something you better not find out about until you are much much older!!!) Daddy and I went on our first date a few weeks ago and left you for the first time. Out of habit, we both went to open your door when we left the car, found it odd to not carrying the diaper bag, and there was very little we could talk about that somehow didn't come back to you. Although we missed you, it was nice to spend some quality adult only time. You learn to appreciate the simple things in life when you are a parent. Things like showering, eating a meal while it's still warm, being able to leave the house easily, and sleeping are not taken for granted anymore.

Speaking of sleeping, two nights ago you slept from 10.30pm until I finally made daddy wake you up at 6.45am. I know it sounds silly -- that I would wake you up when every night you hear me wishing you would fall back to sleep but you had me worried. I woke up 3 times last night wondering why YOU hadn't woken me up yet. I walked into your room to ensure you were still breathing and then just stared at your beautiful round face. I am still in awe at your beauty. You are the prettiest baby which you should know by how often I call you 'my pretty pretty baby.' My real treat for you sleeping through the night was the happiest and smiliest baby ever. In the past month, you have started to smile and not just because you are gassy :) You are typically the smiliest in the early morning when I'm most tired. It's your morning smiles, Colin that make me not despise having to get up at 7.30am to change your stinky poopy diaper.

You've discovered your chubby hands. You love staring at them and putting them in your mouth. I have high hopes that you will one day be able to put your entire fist in your mouth just like I can. What a proud moment it will be :) I digress. Back to your hands. You love them so much. You bring them so close to your face that you go completely crossed eyed. Your little fingers will slowly start moving and your eyes will begin to refocus before we start the whole process over again. Its a game we can play for long periods of time.

You are our little chatterbox. You love to talk. You have a few sounds that I wish I could videotape, so I never forget how adorable you sound but you have "learned" to hate the camera. You can be talking to me for 15 minutes but the second I bust out the camera, you stop and start fussing. Don't you realize that people want to see your cuteness? Don't you realize someday you will be annoying the crap out of me and I will want to remember the days when you couldn't backtalk? :) Work with me smalls!

The past few weeks have been hard on me, Colin. I've struggled with if I should even write this paragraph but I feel it's important. I want you to know how much this decision has pained me. In the past few weeks, I've really began to realize that I have to return to work shortly and it's something that I'm completely dreading. The idea of me going back to work has been consuming me lately and I'm afraid I'm going to either give myself an ulcer or a panic attack. The more I think about going back, the more worried I become; the more I become worried about, the more I think about it. It's a vicious unhealthy cycle. I'm just trying to look at the positive and as they talked about in church yesterday to proactively pray and to pray big!! I've been very lucky to have the time I have had with you. Many moms who have to go back to work aren't as blessed to take off almost 11 weeks of work. I'm trying to focus on that; that I still have a few more weeks with you. I also know that God will not give either of us more than we can handle. I trust that to be true ... I will stop writing about this before it makes me cry.
Colin, it is our hope that someday you will fully understand the joy you have brought into our lives. We hope to continue to see the delight in your eyes as you continue to see the world. More than anything, we hope that you will realize how incredibly loved you are and by how many people.

With all my love,
Mommy

I have three prayer requests. I'll try to keep it short here but if you want more information on either story just let me know and I'll email you.

1. Our friend Shaina's sister, Erika. She had a baby about a month before Colin and has had serious medical problems ever since. Shortly after she had Callen, she developed a very severe case of pancreatitus. She was hospitalized for weeks and had her gall bladder removed. She has since been able to move home but her recovery is very slow going. Please pray for her continued recovery and strength. Please also pray for her family as I can only imagine how difficult it is for them to have to not only deal with this but also raising a newborn.

2. Shaina's friend Lindsay. She's a mother of two small children in her upper 20's who found out she has breast cancer again. She is having surgery at U of M on Friday, April 4th. She will be having a double mastectomy, lymph node mapping, sentinal lymph node biopsy, and reconstruction, all in one surgery.

3. Mike's dad. As many of you know, he has been having problems with his hand for the past few months. It has continued to get progressively worse. It appears they have finally found out what is wrong. It's an autoimmune problem but they are unsure on treatment at this time. Please pray that treatment can be found and he can regain the use of his hand.

Thanks in advance for the prayers. As it states in John 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

I haven't forgot about you ole friend. There are two things that I want to write about but I'm not sure if I should post either ... atleast not yet. Because of that problem, I'm having a difficult time coming up with anything else to post.

Most people know how much I love making lists. Lists and I are best friends. I enjoy being able to cross things off my list as I accomplish them. I like seeing what I need/want to do on paper. I'm fully aware that everything I just listed means I'm not only anally retentive but also a big ole dork.


So a couple months ago while I was bored at work, I started creating a list of things I want to accomplish in the near future. Some items were things I wanted to finish before the baby was born, some were things to make me a better mom, some were things just to make me a better more fulfilled person. As my list grew, I remembered reading about people making lists of 101 Things in 1001 Days. The premise is quite easy and straight forward. It's 101 Things you want to do in 1001. Here is an explanation from another site.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past — frequently simple goals such as new year’s resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organizing and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Goal setting tips

1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

Seems easy enough, huh? Well I'm stuck. Pathetic but true. I can only think of like 70 things so far for my list. I really want to come up with 101 Things but I'm having a difficult time. I'm going to give myself one more week and if I can't come up with the rest, I'm going to post it with however many I can come up with or I'm going to add easy things (ie: finally putting up Colin's blinds).

So keep your eyes open for my list. I may end up making a new blog specifically for my lists.

I'm tired - so very very tired all of a sudden. Mike is out with friends watching College Bball. Colin is sleeping. So give me one good reason why I'm not in bed. No seriously, give me one reason why I'm not in bed because I don't know why I'm not aside from sheer stupidity.

I had plans of putting green food coloring in water and filling Colin's bottle for a cute St. Patrick's Day photo opt but we didn't have any green food coloring :( So instead of Colin holding his green beer, we just have him laying down puckering up for a 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' pose.

Smiler!!!

Colin is smiling. I've seen it for awhile now but now others are seeing it, so I'm no longer the crazy mom ... least not for that reason anyway.

He is 6 weeks old today. Where has the time gone?

I decided today I'm too cool for sleeping. It is almost 4pm and aside from a 20 minute catnap at 2pm, I've been awake since 8.30am. Between me not sleeping, wanting to be held all day, and now me getting cranky, I think my mom is hoping this is a one day event.

Colin,

Before you were born, I said I wanted to do these monthly letters to you but was worried if I'd be able to write anything good enough and be diligent enough to keep up with it. I don't have high hopes for either but I want to try. The other night I sat in your room feeding you, it was probably 4am and the words I wanted to type just flowed through my mind. It was perfect; just like you. As I sit here now, I can only remember the concept of what I wanted to write but not the sweet words. I'm going to attempt to recreate it.

You came into this world on January 30, 2008 -- 11 days early. Very little of your birth happened the way we envisioned it. It came earlier than we planned, it took longer than I anticipated and it was more painful than I could have imagined. I will admit that I'm jealous of every woman who had a "normal" birth where the baby is placed on their chest after being born, where the dad is able to cut the umbilical cord, and where there is the instant bonding of a more complete feeling family. It breaks my heart that you entered the world and I wasn't able to see your beautifully sweet face for almost 45 minutes, that I will never know what it's like to have my first born baby placed in my arms, and that you spent the first 45 minutes of your life away from your parents. Mommy knows that she sounds bitter, whiny and selfishness especially since your health always will be her number one priority but it's how she feels.



Every person who has ever had a child says you don't know what true love is until you have a child. Every person who has ever had a child says you fall instantly in love with your child the moment you see them. Every person who has ever had a child says you would give your own life for theirs. Colin, I am here to tell you that they are right. I have never known such fear as when you were born and I knew something was wrong. I have never been as scared as your dad and I sat in the ER and they were hooking you up to IVs and doing blood work. I have never felt more helpless as we sat in the DeVos Children's Hospital listening to the Dr talk about admitting you for possibly days. It broke my heart to see you so sick and to know there was nothing I could do to fix you. It was in all of those moments, and more, that made me come to realize how much I love you and could not live my life without you. I was told when you were born that you would fill a hole that I never knew was empty. I have never heard a more true statement.



Please don't begin to think that everything has been sad or disappointing. There is no words to express the joy and delight I have found in you. The past 30 days have been the best (and hardest) days of my life. I have loved watching your personality grow. I have loved listening to you find your voice. You are very facially and vocally expressive boy. Daddy and I often sit and just watch you as if you are going to do something major and we don't want to miss it. I love how you act like a savage dog whipping your head back and forth when you want your pipey. I love your little growl when we tease you by taking out your bottle when you are eating. You already fart and burp like a grown man which cracks me up pretty much everytime it happens -- which is alot lately. You have perfect round cheeks that I secretly love to suck on and yes, I'm afraid of giving you a hickey one of these days. You are quite the cuddler which works out perfectly during these blistery cold winter days. You take after your father and are quite the hot box. I adore staring at you trying to determine what traits you have of me and which are your daddy's. You have my nose and you suck on your bottom lip when you sleep, which according to your daddy I apparently do as well. You have your dad's ears, short quick temper and I swear I see his dimple in your cheek although I think I'm the only one who has seen it.



More than anything my sweet baby, I see perfection. I have never looked at anything and loved every single thing about it until I saw you. I look forward to experiencing more in the wonderful world of motherhood including the multiple night feedings, the bathroom accidents, and learning the unknown. More than that, I look forward to another 30 days with my son. I look forward to what you will discover in the next 30 days, what I will get to brag about during the month of March, and how you will continue to grow. I look forward to being shocked daily by my immense amount of love for you.

With all my love,
Mommy