Month One

Colin,

Before you were born, I said I wanted to do these monthly letters to you but was worried if I'd be able to write anything good enough and be diligent enough to keep up with it. I don't have high hopes for either but I want to try. The other night I sat in your room feeding you, it was probably 4am and the words I wanted to type just flowed through my mind. It was perfect; just like you. As I sit here now, I can only remember the concept of what I wanted to write but not the sweet words. I'm going to attempt to recreate it.

You came into this world on January 30, 2008 -- 11 days early. Very little of your birth happened the way we envisioned it. It came earlier than we planned, it took longer than I anticipated and it was more painful than I could have imagined. I will admit that I'm jealous of every woman who had a "normal" birth where the baby is placed on their chest after being born, where the dad is able to cut the umbilical cord, and where there is the instant bonding of a more complete feeling family. It breaks my heart that you entered the world and I wasn't able to see your beautifully sweet face for almost 45 minutes, that I will never know what it's like to have my first born baby placed in my arms, and that you spent the first 45 minutes of your life away from your parents. Mommy knows that she sounds bitter, whiny and selfishness especially since your health always will be her number one priority but it's how she feels.



Every person who has ever had a child says you don't know what true love is until you have a child. Every person who has ever had a child says you fall instantly in love with your child the moment you see them. Every person who has ever had a child says you would give your own life for theirs. Colin, I am here to tell you that they are right. I have never known such fear as when you were born and I knew something was wrong. I have never been as scared as your dad and I sat in the ER and they were hooking you up to IVs and doing blood work. I have never felt more helpless as we sat in the DeVos Children's Hospital listening to the Dr talk about admitting you for possibly days. It broke my heart to see you so sick and to know there was nothing I could do to fix you. It was in all of those moments, and more, that made me come to realize how much I love you and could not live my life without you. I was told when you were born that you would fill a hole that I never knew was empty. I have never heard a more true statement.



Please don't begin to think that everything has been sad or disappointing. There is no words to express the joy and delight I have found in you. The past 30 days have been the best (and hardest) days of my life. I have loved watching your personality grow. I have loved listening to you find your voice. You are very facially and vocally expressive boy. Daddy and I often sit and just watch you as if you are going to do something major and we don't want to miss it. I love how you act like a savage dog whipping your head back and forth when you want your pipey. I love your little growl when we tease you by taking out your bottle when you are eating. You already fart and burp like a grown man which cracks me up pretty much everytime it happens -- which is alot lately. You have perfect round cheeks that I secretly love to suck on and yes, I'm afraid of giving you a hickey one of these days. You are quite the cuddler which works out perfectly during these blistery cold winter days. You take after your father and are quite the hot box. I adore staring at you trying to determine what traits you have of me and which are your daddy's. You have my nose and you suck on your bottom lip when you sleep, which according to your daddy I apparently do as well. You have your dad's ears, short quick temper and I swear I see his dimple in your cheek although I think I'm the only one who has seen it.



More than anything my sweet baby, I see perfection. I have never looked at anything and loved every single thing about it until I saw you. I look forward to experiencing more in the wonderful world of motherhood including the multiple night feedings, the bathroom accidents, and learning the unknown. More than that, I look forward to another 30 days with my son. I look forward to what you will discover in the next 30 days, what I will get to brag about during the month of March, and how you will continue to grow. I look forward to being shocked daily by my immense amount of love for you.

With all my love,
Mommy