I'm sitting in a modestly comfortable chair wishing I had chosen to wear my regular jeans instead of putting on a pair of maternity pants that clearly still don't fit me. I'm wondering if everyone can see that everything is hanging out as much I as feel it. Mike joins me with a hot cup of coffee and two donut holes (I love that man!).

The band starts and the room is filled with guitars, drums, piano, a saxophone and even a trumpet player. As the energy in the room grows, I begin to forget about my mid section not being tightly contained in my pants. The music is even more wonderful than usual and I begin to think this is exactly where I want to be even if it isn't in these pants.

Then he starts to speak and its almost as if he read my blog post from earlier this week as he was writing.

"In our pain, our tough times, God is making us stronger, more complete."

"God is bigger than our pain, our struggles." (see? seriously I think he read it!)

The sermon was about Not Giving Up. People quit trying in life because they feel powerless to change their situation. How unbelievably true. We quit on marriages, jobs, friendships, weight loss, because we feel the situation can't be improved. We feel we can't make the change, so we give up.

I know it's true for my life. I'm giving up on relationships because I don't know how to fix them or save them. I don't think the other side cares; so I give up. Why bother if they don't. I'm not giving 100% at my job because I don't receive the respect or credit I deserve. I feel key people will never change, so I continue to give less and less of my best. I worry if our house will be able to put on the market and sell before the baby is here. I become so doubtful that instead of putting the work into it, we sit on the couch and watch TV. Better to not try than to try and fail, right?

Wrong. Dead frickin wrong.

The reality is (and always has been, just needed to big fat reminder) that it's God's Battle. I just have to show up. If I don't show up, I'll miss the miracle.

So guess what world, I'm going to show up, potentially with ill fitting maternity pants, but I'm going to show up. Lord knows I could use a few little miracles in my life. And maybe a few additional donut holes.

"This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’” 2 Chronicles 20:15b, 17

Weekly update!

How far along?: 21 weeks, 1 day

Weight gain/loss: official weigh-in isn't til the 7th but I've weighed myself at home. I don't remember my exact starting weight but it appears to be pretty close to what I imagine. If I had to guess up maybe a 1-3lbs. Not too shabby for being more than half way done!

Symptoms: starting to feel pregnant - back pain, shortness of breath but feeling much better and incredibly thankful for that.

Gender: Team Green but Mike, Colin and I each have a guess

Sleep?: It's happening

Best moment this week?: Colin made a name for the baby and it's hilarious to hear him call "her" by "her" name.

Movement: Starting to feel some real hearty kicks. Hoping Mike should be able to feel them soon too.

Food cravings/aversions: Still no real cravings.

What I miss?: ?

What I am looking forward to?: My 4 day weekend which is starting in about 10 minutes :)

Size of Baby: about the length of a carrot - 10 1/2" long and 3/4 of a pound. I have a feeling the baby has surpassed both of those measurements

What I’m nervous about: ?

I've been a mixed bag of emotions lately. Feelings from hurt and jealousy to anger and worse. I'm trying blame some of it on pregnancy hormones or at the very least how intense the emotions are even when I know some of that isn't true.

What's pretty cool (cuz the feelings certainly aren't!) is I keep stumbling onto things that directly speak to me about my emotions. Total God speaking moments.

Few examples: Although Mike and I are very happy with the fact that we didn't find out the sex of the baby, there are times {which have been occurring often it seems} I really wish I would have gone the easy route and just found out. So today in the mist of my jealousy of not knowing and of wondering if people would care more about the baby if they associated it to a gender, I clicked on an app I have on facebook. I haven't checked it in months. What did it say? "On this day of your life, Kristi, we believe God wants you to know ... that nothing is exciting if you know what the outcome is going to be." God speaking - through social media no less.

I think most people who live here get a big case of Spring Fever around this time. I've been feeling it immensely. I want to see the grass and feel the sunshine. I want to be able to play outside with Colin. However, it's become so bad that I have honestly seriously looked at houses in a different state the other day. A state where it's not so wintery for so long. And the reality is nothing will amount from anything but it still struck me how unhappy I am about the weather. You can imagine how I felt when I heard about the upcoming storm we were going to have on Sunday. As I was going to head outside to work Sunday morning knowing it was the last time I was going to see the grass for quite some time, I grew more frustrated. And then as I walked outside, God spoke in the calmness of the morning. Instead of being frustrated, I was struck by how peaceful it was - no wind, no noise, just the stillness and beauty of the morning.

Today as I was walking the floors, "Choose Joy" popped into my head. I figured it was a lyric to a song I heard before coming into work and that I really should make that my motto today; don't allow the negative emotions to consume me. I came back and did a quick Google search. Instead of finding the lyric, I saw a quote from a blog I used to read back when we had our laptop. I haven't read his blog since November. He wrote:

"Choose joy today.

Not because it’s going to be a perfect day because it certainly isn’t.
Not because everything is going to go your way because it won’t.

Choose joy today because today is all you’ve got.

Choose joy today because there’s a watching world that will be drawn to our Creator when you do."

God speaking through a Google search.

I'm struck over the past few days that God is really trying to say something to me. He's bigger than all my hurt, all my anger, all my jealousy, all of my insecurites. And not only is he bigger than my emotions, he cares enough to show up in every day life when I most need it. He cares enough to remind me of the beauty of the unknown, the beauty of life not going your way, the beauty of joy. He cares enough to simply remind me that someone cares.

Weekly update!

How far along?: 20 weeks, 2 days

Weight gain/loss: haven't gone back to the Dr, so I'm going to play ignorant and say still nothing although I'm pretty darn sure that won't be the case this time around

Symptoms: starting to feel some pain in my stomach (during the ultrasound we saw contractions, so perhaps Braxton Hicks already?) and occasional shortness of breath. A little nervous about both since I'm not that far or that big yet.

Gender: Proud to be Team Green!

Sleep?: getting a little more uncomfortable as I can't sleep on my back or stomach anymore

Best moment this week?: our ultrasound on Tuesday!

Movement: feeling quite a bit lately

Food cravings/aversions: no major cravings but certain foods sound better than others

What I miss?: a cold beer. it was mid 50s the other day and we grilled burgers. I just wanted a cold beer to finish it off

What I am looking forward to?: spring coming so we can spend more time outside

Size of Baby: the length of a banana - 6 1/2" long and 10 1/2 ounces (ultrasound showed the baby weighing 12 oz)

What I’m nervous about: dunno or at least don't want to say here

Sweet Baby:

Daddy and I had the pleasure of seeing you again on Tuesday. It's amazing to me how a fuzzy black and white screen can evoke so much emotions. Emotions from fear to excitement to deep love; a love that literally made my heart swell.

As I sat in the dimly light room squeezing your Daddy's gentle hand, I prayed first and foremost that you were healthy. I prayed that all of my worries and fears were unfounded and that the ultrasound would show you to be as perfect as I picture you to be. And somewhere in between seeing your big round head and your tiny little feet that were crossed at the ankles, I forgot that I had been worried and just knew that everything was going to be okay.

You are measuring pretty much right on track. Head is a little big but I wasn't too shocked with how large your brother's head is. Legs are a little short but sorry little one, look at the genes you were given. Your arms are rather long, perhaps monkey-ish but Meghan (the ultrasound tech) said more than likely your arms just had a growth spurt and everything else will catch up. You are weighing 12 ounces (average 20 week baby is about 10 1/2 ounces) and had a heartbeat of 143. Overall pretty darn perfect.

We decided you were worth waiting another few months to find out your gender. I literally can not wait to hear your Daddy proudly exclaim "It's a ....!!!" Your brother is dead set that you are a girl and tells me I'm silly if I say you could be a boy. He hates that you don't have a name and I promise we are working on that. You probably hear us throwing names out there. Give me a sign little one when we find the right one. Daddy and I could use the help.

Thanks for being cooperative (and for not being cooperative!) on Tuesday. We can't wait to see you again! So until the next time we see each other, keep growing little one. I'll continue to do my part if you continue to do yours. There are a few people really excited to see you but we are willing to be patient until just the right time (perhaps the end of June :)).

Love you more than words!
Mommy