I've fought writing this numerous times. I can't count how many times I can remember standing in the shower feeling the burning hot water pour down my skin while the words just surge through my mind. Everything comes out exactly how I want - rather how I need to say them. As I step out into the cold air, I come to my senses knowing that the words won't help and will probably only cause problems, drama, and unwanted conversations. People who know me well know I'm a people pleaser and totally non-confrontational. I don't have the guts to confront people, I don't have the courage to tell people how left out I feel, but mostly I don't have the strength to tell people how hurt I am. Instead of saying things that really need to be said or issues that need to be addressed, I keep everything bottled up.

Something has been off lately with me. Blame it on lack of sleep. Blame it on work really (!!) stressing me out. Blame it on a lot of things lately. All I know is I feel like I'm totally spinning my wheels; just going through the motions trying to make it to the next day, next week, next month. My dearest friend said it best a couple months ago on her blog: "Recently, I have been struggling with staying afloat mentally and emotionally. I hate to use a cliche, but my life over the past few weeks has felt very "sink or swim". I'm paddling as hard as I can to keep my head above water, but there's something that won't let me tread easily. I can't quite put my finger on it, but its there."

And I can't help but wonder if I didn't spend so much time trying to be perfect, the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect everything, that maybe I wouldn't feel so drained. That maybe if I could let go of feeling like I need to be perfect, accepted, liked, or even cared about, that I would probably be a much happier person. The problem is I have NO clue how to do that. I do care what others think. I do want to feel included even in the small things. I do want you to care about, inquire, and talk to me, my husband, and especially my child as we are just as important as other people. I do want people to realize that I can only do so much. I can only handle so much at one time and I'm pretty much exceeding that limit especially at work. I want to stop caring that I feel you don't give two shits about my life. I want to be able to just let go of hurt feelings, lack of phone calls, messed up priorities, and unsettled grudges.

I wish I didn't feel the need to write this. I wish I felt better after typing this like I had hoped. Moreso, I wish I didn't NEED to have to write this.

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