I wrote a blog posting very different from the usual postings but I am afraid to post it. It is something that has been on my mind for months now but I've always been too chickenshit to actually type it out. You would never guess by my lack of comments but I have quite a few followers on this blog and I'm not sure if the world wants to hear what is going on in my head and my heart. Truthfully, I don't want to hear what is going on in my head. Most people don't need to know these thoughts, feelings, frustrations, hurts but it's my damn blog. I can write whatever I want to write, right? I shouldn't give a shit what people think of me but you should know me better than that. I do care and that in there lies part of my problem. I care too much about what others think of me.

So while I spent almost 2 hours crying while typing out a long-ish blog all in vagueness and a very detailed email to my bestie, I'm still not any closer to knowing whether or not I should post the entry.

I've fought writing this numerous times. I can't count how many times I can remember standing in the shower feeling the burning hot water pour down my skin while the words just surge through my mind. Everything comes out exactly how I want - rather how I need to say them. As I step out into the cold air, I come to my senses knowing that the words won't help and will probably only cause problems, drama, and unwanted conversations. People who know me well know I'm a people pleaser and totally non-confrontational. I don't have the guts to confront people, I don't have the courage to tell people how left out I feel, but mostly I don't have the strength to tell people how hurt I am. Instead of saying things that really need to be said or issues that need to be addressed, I keep everything bottled up.

Something has been off lately with me. Blame it on lack of sleep. Blame it on work really (!!) stressing me out. Blame it on a lot of things lately. All I know is I feel like I'm totally spinning my wheels; just going through the motions trying to make it to the next day, next week, next month. My dearest friend said it best a couple months ago on her blog: "Recently, I have been struggling with staying afloat mentally and emotionally. I hate to use a cliche, but my life over the past few weeks has felt very "sink or swim". I'm paddling as hard as I can to keep my head above water, but there's something that won't let me tread easily. I can't quite put my finger on it, but its there."

And I can't help but wonder if I didn't spend so much time trying to be perfect, the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect everything, that maybe I wouldn't feel so drained. That maybe if I could let go of feeling like I need to be perfect, accepted, liked, or even cared about, that I would probably be a much happier person. The problem is I have NO clue how to do that. I do care what others think. I do want to feel included even in the small things. I do want you to care about, inquire, and talk to me, my husband, and especially my child as we are just as important as other people. I do want people to realize that I can only do so much. I can only handle so much at one time and I'm pretty much exceeding that limit especially at work. I want to stop caring that I feel you don't give two shits about my life. I want to be able to just let go of hurt feelings, lack of phone calls, messed up priorities, and unsettled grudges.

I wish I didn't feel the need to write this. I wish I felt better after typing this like I had hoped. Moreso, I wish I didn't NEED to have to write this.

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Long story short, Colin has two Halloween costumes which I know is totally crazy considering he can't even trick-or-treat. Momma got a little costume crazy one day and wah-la, he now has two costumes. Mike and I have been going back and forth on which costume we want him to wear and while we both definitely like one more than the other, we do like the other (non-refundable) one as well.

So we may have come up with a solution. Our local zoo is having a Zoo Boo day the next two weekends. We are thinking since it's my weekend off that we can put Colin in the other costume and we'll head to the zoo in the morning. He won't be able to enjoy the trick-or-treating aspect but he should have fun seeing all of the kids (he adores babies and kids lately) and seeing the animals. He'll then get usage and pictures of both costumes which will make me happy :)

The idea sounds good 'on paper' but we'll see if we can make it work. I have plans to go out apple picking with a few friends in the afternoon and then need to hurry home so Mike can help Brandon move. Hopefully we can fit in the late morning at the zoo. If so, the next entry should be full of cute lil boy in a cute lil Halloween costume.

PS - if you know the two choices don't say them here as it's still a secret at this time :)

Colin's vocabulary has grown tremendously in the past few weeks. He still babbles alot ("ummm hello mom. I am ONLY 8 months old!") but often there are distinct syllables. As I've mentioned before he says: ma, mama, da and dada. Mike and I have both (seperately) been noticing that Colin makes a specific noise lately after hearing one of of his toys "meow." We, of course, tried to get it on camera but he would only make it one time. You can hear it on the first video after the second time the toy says "black cat, can I pat?"


The second video is from this morning. I tried getting a video of him saying all of his words but no such luck. Forewarning: I sound TERRIBLE(!!) but it's early and I have a double ear infection.

One of the things I look forward to most each year is apple picking. Every year we go to the same place - a small family owned apple orchard about 25 minutes north of here which never seems to change. Each year there is the large "rocking" chair, pumpkin patch, fabulous apple cider, the corn maze, tractor rides, and the same wooden signs that you can put your face through. (Do those have a real name?)

Mike and I have been anxiously waiting for the apple picking season, so we can start Colin on this fun tradition. Shockingly we both had the day off, so with the sun shining and the weather a decent tempature, we headed on the familiar drive to the apple orchard.

We met my parents, Merridith and Ethan up there and had a great afternoon of apple picking, picture taking, and creating memories. Colin did a great job and seemed to have a great time riding the tractor, licking the apples, eating the grass and posing for pictures (some by other people even!).

We took over 100 pictures, so I had a hard time chosing just 50 for the slideshow. Here is a good mixture of our fun afternoon.

{Angela: Although Colin probably didn't eat enough apples for you and Michelle, he tried his best to lick them enough. I promise you that Ethan, however did eat enough for both of you! It wasn't the same without you. The chair missed you!

Missy: We wish you could have been there too!!! Just a couple more years until we can do these things together ... with little Lukey and Lily too :) }