that I've been dreading since before baby Colin was even born. Today is when my maternity leave is officially over and I have to go back to work. I always knew it would be hard to go back to work but I never could have imagine how it would break my heart the way it has. My heart aches. My eyes sting from how many tears I've shed. My stomach is in knots. I just feel drained and empty. I know he will be ok which I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. I want him to want his momma lol Honestly though, I know he will be ok. I know he is in good hands. I know financially it makes sense for me to go back to work. I know it's good for me to have some adult interaction. I also know I was lucky to have 10 great weeks at home with Colin. I know all of this but it isn't making today any easier on me. I just need to be sad for a little while.

On Saturday, Mike, Colin and I went to the Frederick Meijer Gardens with my parents and Jason, Janna, Ethan and Micah. It was a nice sunny warm afternoon. We went into the packed Butterfly exhibit and then went outside to the children's part. Afterwards, my parents took us out to dinner. During dinner, we had a fairly brief but thought provoking conversation about infant death. Jason or Janna, I can't remember which, brought up the story of someone having to bury their infant child. I hope I have the facts correctly but the jist was the baby was noticed while still in utero to have his/her brain growing on the outside of their head and would not be able to live a full life outside the womb. They decided to abort the baby. We had a quick conversation about what we would do if God forbid it happened to us. We talked about how although it would incredibly painful to carry a baby full term knowing the baby would never survive, it would be worth it to have even 5 minutes with your baby. In those 5 minutes, you would know how your baby looked, felt, smelt. You would be able to take photographs and have memories to last a lifetime. The conversation shifted and was never brought up again. It has been something that I have continued to think about.

Fast forward to today. I went to one of my favorite Christian band's website and saw a short note about one of the band member's had a baby and it died that day. There was a link to read more about the story. I'm nosy and Colin is napping, so I clicked on the link. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/ I have spent the past 2 hours in a dark hotel room with tears pouring down my face as I read the painful words and look at my miracle sleeping.

The blog affirms what we had discussed on Saturday; that as painful as I'm sure it was for Angie to carry the baby full term, she was able to have Audrey with her. She was able to love Audrey, to give her life, to bring her joy by eating PB&J sandwiches and having daddy sing to her. It's a tremendous story of sorrow, peace and strong faith.

I highly recommend reading the entire blog starting from the first entry in January but it comes with a warning ... have a box of Kleenex handy.

**Sidenote: I'm not looking for agreeance (is that even a word?) in whether you should or shouldn't carry a baby full term. I'm not posting this to start a long deep conversation about anything really but rather because of it's beauty, pain and promise.**

In a last minute decision, Colin and I decided to come to Virginia with Mike for his conference. We left Sunday afternoon and drove to Youngstown, OH where we spent the night. Colin did FABULOUS!! He slept the entire time which made for a long sleepless night :) He didn't cry during the night but was just talkative. Mike and I aren't use to hearing every single noise he makes.

Yesterday, we left for the rest of the 5.5 hour drive. It took quite a bit longer (almost 9 hours) as the PA turnpike was completely shut down. Colin did pretty well considering the detour was through the mountains. There was ALOT of altitude changes but he was a trooper.

Colin and I are just taking it easy today. I feel bad having him sit in his car seat again today, so we are staying in the hotel for awhile and then we'll head out later for a late lunch as Mike is at his conference until late tonight. It is supposed to be in the mid to upper 60s this week, so I'm hoping to take Colin out to a few parks during the week; enjoy the nice weather on my last week of maternity leave. We are hoping as a family to head into DC sometime this week after Mike gets out of class. Regardless if we get to see the sights, at least we are all together and that is what really matters.

So I have another blog ... one designed solely for my 101 Things list. I've added it to my favorite links.

Short boring post today :)

Colin had his two month Dr's appointment today. He was quite the trooper as he had to have 4 shots - one orally and three in his legs.

Poor little guy was in great spirits for the first half of the appointment. He was measured and weighed. He showed off all of his new tricks to the Dr and had a great bill of health. We played naked on the table while we waited for the nurse to arrive with the dreaded needles. Unknowing what was about to happen, he smiles at the nurse right before she sticks the first needle in his leg. The instant it touched his leg, his poor little face turned the brightest shade of red and let out the loudest wail I've ever heard from him. Poor little guy even produced tears :( Thankfully, the nurse went really quickly and we were able to cuddle and calm him down.

He's done pretty well today considering his terrible ordeal. I think he's been fairly fussy but we went to see Brandon and Shaina and they didn't think he was fussy at all. I guess, I'm just use to his very content happy disposition.

So now for the stats... He's 13 pounds and 5 ounces and 23 3/4 inches long!!! He is in the 85% percentile in both weight and height according to the Baby Growth Chart. His next appointment isn't until he's 4 months old in the end of June.