So I was naughty and went shopping on Sunday. In my defense, I thought I had another pack of diapers in the basement and when I went to grab them since I only had 2 upstairs, I only found wipes. To CVS I went.

Now compared to other bargain coupon shoppers, this may not been a fantastic trip but I haven't had the time, knowledge, or heads up lately to find the good deals. I'm pretty proud of what I got especially since I could of got it cheaper with more items had I spent more time thinking it through.

While I spent $21 and some change, I still have $10 in extra care bucks to use later. Essentially I spent less than $12 and got the following:

2 plastic pumpkins
1 bag of candy corn
1 bag of candy pumpkins
1 Two-Pack box of Clear Care Solution
2 packs of diapers
1 package of Q-Tips
1 box of Gerber Graduate Whole Wheat crackers
1 container of Gerber baby food

Not too shabby. I'll be stopping by later this week to buy a few other freebies.

**EDIT: I forgot to mention, I'll get another $2 back on a rebate for the diapers. We are now down to less than $10. Yippee!!**

A few people have suggested giving it a few days and see if I still feel compelled to post the entry, so I think I'll give it a try. Although I know my feelings aren't going to change but I'll wait anyway.

So instead I'll post a few pictures of little man. Unfortunately, we didn't go to the zoo but we had some fun at the park.
"Hey Mom!! Let's go!!!"

"I can scream all I want out here!"

"You can do this too, Dad?"

"Mommy, think you could put down the camera so Daddy and I can just play on the slide?"

I wrote a blog posting very different from the usual postings but I am afraid to post it. It is something that has been on my mind for months now but I've always been too chickenshit to actually type it out. You would never guess by my lack of comments but I have quite a few followers on this blog and I'm not sure if the world wants to hear what is going on in my head and my heart. Truthfully, I don't want to hear what is going on in my head. Most people don't need to know these thoughts, feelings, frustrations, hurts but it's my damn blog. I can write whatever I want to write, right? I shouldn't give a shit what people think of me but you should know me better than that. I do care and that in there lies part of my problem. I care too much about what others think of me.

So while I spent almost 2 hours crying while typing out a long-ish blog all in vagueness and a very detailed email to my bestie, I'm still not any closer to knowing whether or not I should post the entry.

I've fought writing this numerous times. I can't count how many times I can remember standing in the shower feeling the burning hot water pour down my skin while the words just surge through my mind. Everything comes out exactly how I want - rather how I need to say them. As I step out into the cold air, I come to my senses knowing that the words won't help and will probably only cause problems, drama, and unwanted conversations. People who know me well know I'm a people pleaser and totally non-confrontational. I don't have the guts to confront people, I don't have the courage to tell people how left out I feel, but mostly I don't have the strength to tell people how hurt I am. Instead of saying things that really need to be said or issues that need to be addressed, I keep everything bottled up.

Something has been off lately with me. Blame it on lack of sleep. Blame it on work really (!!) stressing me out. Blame it on a lot of things lately. All I know is I feel like I'm totally spinning my wheels; just going through the motions trying to make it to the next day, next week, next month. My dearest friend said it best a couple months ago on her blog: "Recently, I have been struggling with staying afloat mentally and emotionally. I hate to use a cliche, but my life over the past few weeks has felt very "sink or swim". I'm paddling as hard as I can to keep my head above water, but there's something that won't let me tread easily. I can't quite put my finger on it, but its there."

And I can't help but wonder if I didn't spend so much time trying to be perfect, the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect employee, perfect boss, perfect everything, that maybe I wouldn't feel so drained. That maybe if I could let go of feeling like I need to be perfect, accepted, liked, or even cared about, that I would probably be a much happier person. The problem is I have NO clue how to do that. I do care what others think. I do want to feel included even in the small things. I do want you to care about, inquire, and talk to me, my husband, and especially my child as we are just as important as other people. I do want people to realize that I can only do so much. I can only handle so much at one time and I'm pretty much exceeding that limit especially at work. I want to stop caring that I feel you don't give two shits about my life. I want to be able to just let go of hurt feelings, lack of phone calls, messed up priorities, and unsettled grudges.

I wish I didn't feel the need to write this. I wish I felt better after typing this like I had hoped. Moreso, I wish I didn't NEED to have to write this.

Comment section is closed for this posting.

Long story short, Colin has two Halloween costumes which I know is totally crazy considering he can't even trick-or-treat. Momma got a little costume crazy one day and wah-la, he now has two costumes. Mike and I have been going back and forth on which costume we want him to wear and while we both definitely like one more than the other, we do like the other (non-refundable) one as well.

So we may have come up with a solution. Our local zoo is having a Zoo Boo day the next two weekends. We are thinking since it's my weekend off that we can put Colin in the other costume and we'll head to the zoo in the morning. He won't be able to enjoy the trick-or-treating aspect but he should have fun seeing all of the kids (he adores babies and kids lately) and seeing the animals. He'll then get usage and pictures of both costumes which will make me happy :)

The idea sounds good 'on paper' but we'll see if we can make it work. I have plans to go out apple picking with a few friends in the afternoon and then need to hurry home so Mike can help Brandon move. Hopefully we can fit in the late morning at the zoo. If so, the next entry should be full of cute lil boy in a cute lil Halloween costume.

PS - if you know the two choices don't say them here as it's still a secret at this time :)