Colin,

Before you were born, I said I wanted to do these monthly letters to you but was worried if I'd be able to write anything good enough and be diligent enough to keep up with it. I don't have high hopes for either but I want to try. The other night I sat in your room feeding you, it was probably 4am and the words I wanted to type just flowed through my mind. It was perfect; just like you. As I sit here now, I can only remember the concept of what I wanted to write but not the sweet words. I'm going to attempt to recreate it.

You came into this world on January 30, 2008 -- 11 days early. Very little of your birth happened the way we envisioned it. It came earlier than we planned, it took longer than I anticipated and it was more painful than I could have imagined. I will admit that I'm jealous of every woman who had a "normal" birth where the baby is placed on their chest after being born, where the dad is able to cut the umbilical cord, and where there is the instant bonding of a more complete feeling family. It breaks my heart that you entered the world and I wasn't able to see your beautifully sweet face for almost 45 minutes, that I will never know what it's like to have my first born baby placed in my arms, and that you spent the first 45 minutes of your life away from your parents. Mommy knows that she sounds bitter, whiny and selfishness especially since your health always will be her number one priority but it's how she feels.



Every person who has ever had a child says you don't know what true love is until you have a child. Every person who has ever had a child says you fall instantly in love with your child the moment you see them. Every person who has ever had a child says you would give your own life for theirs. Colin, I am here to tell you that they are right. I have never known such fear as when you were born and I knew something was wrong. I have never been as scared as your dad and I sat in the ER and they were hooking you up to IVs and doing blood work. I have never felt more helpless as we sat in the DeVos Children's Hospital listening to the Dr talk about admitting you for possibly days. It broke my heart to see you so sick and to know there was nothing I could do to fix you. It was in all of those moments, and more, that made me come to realize how much I love you and could not live my life without you. I was told when you were born that you would fill a hole that I never knew was empty. I have never heard a more true statement.



Please don't begin to think that everything has been sad or disappointing. There is no words to express the joy and delight I have found in you. The past 30 days have been the best (and hardest) days of my life. I have loved watching your personality grow. I have loved listening to you find your voice. You are very facially and vocally expressive boy. Daddy and I often sit and just watch you as if you are going to do something major and we don't want to miss it. I love how you act like a savage dog whipping your head back and forth when you want your pipey. I love your little growl when we tease you by taking out your bottle when you are eating. You already fart and burp like a grown man which cracks me up pretty much everytime it happens -- which is alot lately. You have perfect round cheeks that I secretly love to suck on and yes, I'm afraid of giving you a hickey one of these days. You are quite the cuddler which works out perfectly during these blistery cold winter days. You take after your father and are quite the hot box. I adore staring at you trying to determine what traits you have of me and which are your daddy's. You have my nose and you suck on your bottom lip when you sleep, which according to your daddy I apparently do as well. You have your dad's ears, short quick temper and I swear I see his dimple in your cheek although I think I'm the only one who has seen it.



More than anything my sweet baby, I see perfection. I have never looked at anything and loved every single thing about it until I saw you. I look forward to experiencing more in the wonderful world of motherhood including the multiple night feedings, the bathroom accidents, and learning the unknown. More than that, I look forward to another 30 days with my son. I look forward to what you will discover in the next 30 days, what I will get to brag about during the month of March, and how you will continue to grow. I look forward to being shocked daily by my immense amount of love for you.

With all my love,
Mommy

I posted earlier but decided to delete it. No there wasn't anything bad in it or anything I didn't want the world knowing but it was a very poorly written post and I had more I wanted to add. One of my OCDs is I don't like posting two posts in one day. I like each post to have it's own date. Weird, I know.

Since Mike is working his first evening shift since Colin's birth and I'm bored and want to write a few things, I'll do it list style again.

*Where did the bulletin button go on this darn site?
*My backspace button is making a squeaky noise and its fairly annoying especially considering I'm using my new laptop!
*I'm incredibly sick of the snow. Yes, I know I live in Michigan and crappy snowy winters are par for the course but seriously, I think we've had enough. It's beginning to depress me.
*Tigers tickets go on sale tomorrow at 10am. I.can.not.wait! I already have my alarm set on my cellphone and I will be leaving my laptop in my bedroom just to be safe. We want to go to the Tigers vs the Dodgers.
*Ironically as I type this out, I'm texting Missy! (Hi Miss!!)
*My son has a problem. A serious problem lately. What is the problem? He is constantly peeing over himself. No lie, within the past 24 hours Colin has pee'ed through 5 outfits and onesies. It's becoming quite annoying, although it was really funny when he pee'ed through Mike's jeans twice yesterday :)
*Colin is having his pictures taken tomorrow for the first time. I'm really excited. I still don't know exactly what he's going to wear. I know I want him naked and in just a onesie but I want him in an outfit. I've searched so many stores (Macy's, Kohl's, Baby Gap, Gymboree, Carters, Children's Place, Target, etc) and I can't find anything that is long sleeve and not overly "decorated." I don't want writing to show or designs. Hopefully I can find something by tomorrow. I also need to try to find myself a black sweater for the ever famous hand shots. Wish me luck as I think I'm going to need it as I have a busy morning and pictures are at 2pm.

Well I think that's enough.

Colin had his 1 month check-up today. It went well, although he screamed like a mad man since he had to be naked. He is now 21 1/4" long and 10 pounds! According to the Dr, he is doing well and obviously has no problem gaining weight :) He goes back on April 3rd for another weight check and for his shots :( Daddy will definitely be going to that appointment!

I apologize in advance for the crappiness of this post. I know I want to write and I actually know pretty much what I want to write but not how to write it. I hope that makes sense.

We had a jammed packed busy visitor filled weekend. Missy was in town from LA. We spent Friday with Missy and Mike's mom. On Saturday, Sam and Woody stopped by before Missy came back with Mike's dad, Amy and the kids. My house has never felt so small or loud :) The kids were adorable with Colin. After everyone left, we headed to my grandma's and Colin was finally able to meet his great-grandma. Sunday, we went to church for the first time and he did great!! I was so nervous that he'd either cry or fart but he kept both in :) After church, we picked Missy up from the hotel and spent the afternoon together. Brandon and Shaina stopped over in the evening. Monday, Colin and I went to Mike's hotel (where Missy was staying) and we introduced Colin to Rob and met Nick, Mike's new GM. After we had to say good-bye to Aunt Missy and finished crying, we stopped by my mom's work to show off Colin. I think that was everything from the weekend.

So on Monday afternoon when Colin began to get a little fussy, I thought maybe it was just because he was too overly stimulated from the weekend. Tuesday, he cried literally almost ALL day. We had switched his formula on Monday and I thought that was why he was so grumpy. I had Mike picked up his old formula along with some baby gas-x. He just seems so gassy lately. He did a little better today but Mike had the day off, so that helped as well. I'm a little nervous that he is getting in the habit of needing to be held all the time. I'm hoping that the new formula, the more normal schedule and the gas-x will help him get back to his "old" self. The needy, fussy Colin is ALOT of work for this new mom.

Well there isn't too much of a point to this post, so I think I'll just stop. More pictures should be coming soon :)